A Review and a New Year

I can't believe I haven't realized before how lucky I am. Isn't there a saying: those who have nothing to worry about will worry about nothing?

I've spent my "adult" years searching and searching for direction and fulfillment and desire. I've spent years regretting time gone past and fearing time to come. I've been secretly envious of my friends' accomplishments when I should be loudly celebrating. I've been embarrassed about my nothing when I should put it behind me. And I've neglected what I am, what I've made, what I've been passionate about, all in pursuit of creating a dream while hiding my head in the sand.

No more. What's worry, what's fretting if this or that fits me, what's crying about nothing? Even a bird is provided for, not the least for me.

And on the cusp of the new year, during this time of thanksgiving and family and review, I vow:

To look forward.
To create possibilities.
To make my self.

Going Forward

1. Rowed 10 min today
2. Bought more sock yarn
3. Started (a bit late!) studying for finals
4. Dishes

Still to do
1. Mail off passport renewal
2. Buy bookcase
3. Start meningioma protocol background

Ravelry knitting queue (they're piling up!):

Mmm

In lieu of a post today, I give you "How to prepare and serve bone marrow".

It made me drool~

Shoes!

So I bought a pair of Frye Dorado riding boots and they're soooo comfortable and nice and cute--but I'm a bit too short for it :( If only my legs are 2" taller! I'm trying to tell myself that the boots will fall down a bit since they are pull-on, but right now they are pushing on the little fat pad about my knees, boo...


(They look a little funky since I took the pictures upside down)

I really, really want to keep them! :(

Do I look like Puss in Boots? Maybe I should get a plumed hat and a little sabre for next Halloween.

Also I bought these purple Guess pumps. Piperlime is so great but bad for my savings.

Coco Transform~~~

Bunraku

Oh man, Josh Hartnett AND Gackt Camui are starring in the upcoming Bunraku. I am so watching that next year <3

/sighs dreamily

Books!

At the end of studying hard in biology for exams or some other deadline, I often long for a good, long book. The kind that needs cradling as I lie on floor pillows. I'm not sure what exactly drives me from science to literature, and the opposite happens when I'm struggling to work on my story--I'll crave medical journals instead of further wading in the depths of language.

Maybe this is my brain telling me a message. Like when I actually want to eat some salad. Though perhaps the analogy should end there, because truthfully I very rarely yearn for lettuce, and most of the time only consume it only as a vehicle to carry other edible things, like goat cheese and roasted beets.

I'm off to read for tomorrow's class, but here's my book stack I'm bringing with me on my business trip next week (well, it is an oncology meeting, so naturally I'm bringing novels):

- The Children's Hospital - this is a book written by one of our fellows, and I'm very interested in reading it so I can bother him with questions not related to work.
- Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell - this is a reread. I recently got her second book (a collection of short stories), The Ladies of Grace Adieu and Other Stories, and it made me want to reread the book. The book is a magical blend of Jane Austen and Harry Potter.

Speaking of books, I've been semi-tempted to get the Amazon Kindle. Only in a half-wistful, half-convinced way, because I don't understand how something with its promises can have such horrible product design. Even Nate would be embarrassed to use it in public. And the upcoming Kindle 2.0 is going to look even uglier. Amazon, please, make it like a large iPhone, and make the keyboard a touchscreen, and I'll take two for Christmas, I promise.

oh hi

I don't like to post when I'm upset, so this summer my blog has been on hiatus for cowardice. This past year at work I've been extremely interested in pursuing more clinical research, and I've recognized that I would need an additional degree to do any serious work. But you see, I did extremely terrible in college, so instead of looking forward to the possibility of applying to med/nursing/vet/graduate schools, I just want to curl up in bed whenever I think about it. For a long time, I've avoided any thinking about the subject.

And now I'm back to posting, because this summer I did a lot of searching--talking with my family, my friends, my coworkers--and I realize that I've been avoiding any school plans because I'm afraid of a second failure. But there can be no success without attempts. And all is not lost.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

So now, I am planning for med school matriculation in 2011. (Perhaps in a later post I'll detail my various deliberations about med/nursing/vet/graduate schools...)

This week I'm going to work on:
- reading ch 1-3 of genetics textbook (starts class 9/2)
- flesh out structure for my ALL meningioma study proposal
- look more into classes that would help admissions
- more detailed plans for MCAT studying
- check on UCSF/SFGH volunteering
- exercise

ffxi

Played since launch 2003:

Busy Fridays

For some reason, I frequently get new study patients on Fridays and end up staying at work into the evening. The worst one was a month ago, when the consent conference was delayed and then extended, and I left at 11. Such was my fear today, but after several weeks of analysis by the COG ALL committee, they decided to close almost all ALL therapeutic trials for amendments, and now there will be no one but babies to go on study.

So you would think that I'd have it easy for the next few weeks, but unfortunately this actually creates more work and havoc for our team.

Go research.

I still haven't decided if I should apply to medical or nursing school--and the stupidest thing is because of how much work I'll have to do to make up my time in college. (Maybe I should have actually studied once in a while.) Well, that's not entirely true. Of course there is a difference in admissions ratios, but the other reason is because I'm lazy: I like free time. I like to mess around the internets. I like to game and read and and try to write. It's not that being a doctor prevents me from doing all that, but the amount of time and its flexibility would be different. And sometimes I feel like I'm so old, though I know my working life is still ahead of me. On the other hand, I love the field I'm in. Despite all the long hours the attendings and fellows put in, and despite cancer being a constant reality, it's exhilarating to be a part of the driving force of research. Instead of reading about therapies and results, it's about the process of developing it.

Gochi and Food TV

Gochi, Cupertino

I've been to Gochi a couple of times for lunch, but never for dinner--and while its salmon rice bowl (flaked salmon, salmon sashimi, and salmon roe) is one of my favorite meals, tonight's dinner was a great showcase of Gochi's abilities.

Dishes Nate and I ordered:

• Yuzu ceviche - seafood of the day in yuzu ceviche, served with homemade chips that looked like Ruffles but were lighter, crispier, and with darker potato flavor. Yuzu has a taste between kumquat and lime, and is pleasantly fragrant without much acidity. It balanced cuts of octopus, salmon, and other white fish well.
• Aigamo steak - duck steak. Roasted medium, sliced, with tangy soy sauce. This one took the kitchen an hour to make--I'm not sure if it's because they missed it on our initial order, or because there was a special preparation. This would have been best 2nd in serving order.
• Saba oshi sushi - pressed sushi with marinated mackerel, shiso, and umeboshi paste, cut into sushi portions. Tasty. I love well-done mackerel, and it marriages the shiso and umeboshi much better than the usual roll with only those two ingredients.
• Sake oyako meshi - Salmon and salmon roe over rice and wilted spinach in a claypot. The heated claypot makes the rice crispy (a rice form we Chinese people call guoba, but I'm not sure what English or Japanese names are). I love claypots. We ordered a medium, though Nate and I could have finished it ourselves... I wonder if I can imitate the same dish if I heat up my Le Creuset?
  

Things I got to eat from friends at the table:

• Shiromaguro tataki - seared albacore with Japanese pea sprouts and toasted sliced garlic. The toasted garlic was a surprise. A strong element to a tame dish.
  
• Risotto croquette - mushroom risotto croquette with cheese, served with tomato and basil sauce. Crunchy outshell and creamy and delicate inside.
• Mentai kinoko pizza - Mentaiko (spicy cod roe), kinoko mushrooms, crab. The concept is good, but truthfully, this was my least favorite of the meal, only because they pilled on so many delicious ingredients and none of them got highlighted as a result, and it just tasted like cheese over something. Although, this wins over regular Japanese pizza any day.
• Mentaiko potato gratin - Mentaiko shone in this one, and its taste merged with potato and cream very well. I always want to buy mentaiko in grocery stores but never buy it because I don't know how to cook it, and this was an idea.
  

I'm not so good at the picture-taking before eating immediately when the plate comes to the table, so here's the only picture that isn't of scraps on a plate:



Some areas of the menu were not ordered--noodles, nabe, and soup. Overall, the food was inventive, though some fusions were better than others. I still love traditional Japanese food the best but would totally come back to Gochi again.

Then the rest of the night was off to Ryo's apartment for desserts (dipped strawberries, ladyfingers from our last chocolate fondue gathering, and a horrible gluten-free chocolate torte I should not have picked up at Trader Joe's) and mixed drinks (see our antics here). We watched How I Met Your Mother and Top Chef and then I drooled over Iron Chef America: Battle Coffee. The challenger had great presentation with edible flowers and leaves, and everything looked so great.

Goodbye

My oldest cat died tonight.

I wasn't planning on crying but the speaker phone call with my parents for some words of parting was too much. I said farewell awkwardly and quietly, but here is really what I want to say to you, Mimi:

I'm glad you're my cat. I wish you've enjoyed our family and our time together. I apologize for neglects and mistakes, and my short temper when I was little, and long time away when I grew up. I'm sorry we couldn't handle your last days better, and hope you didn't suffer.

Thank you for everything you've taught me. Naps are great but afternoon naps in the sunshine are better. Our time together was a long 17 years, but I wish it was longer. I know it's better that you've gone. It was hard being old.

We've had a lot of good times. I'll remember the things you've taught me. The hardest part is knowing you'd never be there anymore.

Thank you. I'll miss you.

Wine and Food

Wines for April from Arlequin:



Today we drank the Australian Saloman shiraz/petite verdot mix, "Bin 4 Baan" (leftmost bottle). I haven't liked the few bottles of shiraz I've bought previously, but this one was surprisingly tasty, full with boldness expected from an Australian wine.


These past couple of weeks I've eaten out a lot, so here are some reviews before I forget their tastes:

Ray's Sushi, Hayward

Large menu with a good selection of sushi and several pages of rolls. My mom and I ordered grilled miso sea bass (misoyaki?), hamachi kama (grilled yellowtail cheek), chirashi, and their signature Ray's roll. The misoyaki arrived first--an unfortunate first mistake, but it's to be expected that serving order is rarely followed in non-Japanese higher-end restaurants. The miso dampened the rich fat of the sea bass down a bit, and the skin was delicious. Possibly influenced by our hunger.

Chirashi arrived second, with the usual egg, salmon, tuna, yellowtail, mackerl, octopus, and shrimp, as well as something close to sea bream and possibly something else I can't remember. I like to order chirashi in a new restaurant (and often in an old favorite) because it judges a lot of different aspects--its rice, its chef's knife skills, its egg, and its fish (and of those, the tuna is the most important). The rice wasn't memorably like sushi rice, and didn't have seaweed or pickled mushrooms (though not all chirashi have them). Egg was average in texture and blend of salty and sweet. Tuna was average. The sushi chefs were mostly Chinese (a couple of them conversed about their last regular visit to Taiwan) and one American.

The signature roll arrived in the midst of our chirashi, and was some sort of futomaki-esque shrimp tempura with eel, sweet special sauce, tobiko, and probably a fish or two there that I forgot. Delicious and full of wholesome rice that fills me up. I thought there was too much sauce and made the seaweed roll a bit drenched, but apparently my mother liked it to keep dipping her rice in it.

Hamachi kama arrived last--after we had to ask the kitchen if it was still coming, and if it wasn't, never mind about it. It came. The waitress who bought it put it down with her left hand and then took my mom's other plate with her right hand. Immediately I frowned, but as we were at the bar she didn't see (though I doubt she would see even if my face was directly there). I don't understand why some waiters ignore the rules about personal space, and it feels like Chinese waitstaff are the worst about this.

Ray's Sushi divided their hamachi kamas into 3 sizes, and though we ordered the smallest, it was still a struggle to finish. It wasn't as succulent as the kamachi kama we had at Koo, but then it's hard to judge at this point of our dinner. By this time we were full on our chirashi and roll, and I've gotten used to smaller portions in my resolution to eat less so I can eat more.

Our teas were never refilled, and this horrible plate crossing earned only a "Chinese restaurant" tip though the cost was less than a "Japanese restaurant" bill. (My mom and I've discussed this chicken and egg problem that makes Chinese restaurants prone to bad service, though one dollar doesn't really matter either way.) I'd probably still come back again for the value of the food, if I'm in the neighborhood.

Absinthe, Hayes Valley, SF

Came here twice in two weeks.

First time:
Warm duck confit, agrodolce cippolini onions, mixed chicories, Dijon vinaigrette
Slow-cooked rabbit, pappardelle, wild mushrooms, baby carrots, herbs
Saffron & cinnamon braised lamb shank>, Israeli cous cous, fava tendrils, preserved lemon, micro cilantro
Roasted mixed beets, toasted hazelnuts, orange oil, wild arugula, Sicilian sea salt

Second time:
Oyster shooters in spicy Bloody Mary sauce
Pork confit, braised red cabbage, Serrano ham, crispy mustard spätzle
Grilled dayboat scallops, celery root purée, Brussels sprouts, mustard oil, rosemary salt
Roasted mixed beets, toasted hazelnuts, orange oil, wild arugula, Sicilian sea salt

What can I say?--the beets were delicious and I love beets.

There needs no more description for the food than the menu--just the sight of the words makes me drool. At $85 (with tip) per meal for two, it's a level up from my usual burger and taco fare, but the service is great, and with real bread and good company, it's a dinner well spent.

Arlequin, Hayes Valley, SF

We ate at the cafe before picking up the box of wines today. Reuben, nicely toasted with thick peppery beef and sour pickles; and pizza margherita, its basil tamed in slices with a good drizzle of oil on top from real cheese. The shop also had soups, salads, and coffee available--and of course, there were a couple of tables in the cafe who had a half-bottle of wine from the adjoining wine shop next door. I'm looking forward to an afternoon to write and read at their small comfortable tables--hopefully my plan of moving to Hayes Valley would work out.



Oh yeah, when I finally decided to buy a garlic press, I bought a Shakespear set too...for $92. I don't how I'm going to finish every book, but I probably should D:

Wine

I've been a food person (perhaps a post on this later), and recently also a wine person. Appreciation for wine increases the more I drink.

What I've learned:
I like fruity tastes. Oak, spices, tobacco, and smoke make for bitter, too strong wines. (Despite chardonnay being white, I think most chardonnays have too much oak.) I like whites with crisp finishes, and reds to be complex and lingering. But a young pinot noir is also tasty.

I read Chinese translations of an ongoing wine manga--Kami no Shizuku 神の雫. Unfortunately, reading names of wines and winemakers and regions of France is really horrible in Chinese. (I ended up just reading from the drawings of the bottle labels.) The art style is sophisticated and beautiful, with complex characters and great descriptions of the wines. The image that the wine invokes is represented by art scenes--a Queen's concert, a virgin forest clearing, romantic longing. And the manga is quite educational about aromas, handling, food pairings, and personal tastes. Now if only it will be picked up by a US-based fan translation team.

And though I've bought a couple of bottles from a vineyard in Napa--most of my wines come economically from Costco. I'm tempted, though, to request certain wines listed in Kami no Shizuku from wine stores. I wonder how much a bottle of Lafite Rothschild would be...?

Shugo Chara

This week I've been watching Shugo Chara, a pink shoujo anime filled with heart-beam battles that surprisingly captured me into its fandom (perhaps Ikuto had a part to play in this...). The anime is at CrunchyRoll and its manga scanlations is OneManaga, and there are good points for both mediums. The manga has a faster pace with wonderful art, is less pink, and has more smutty scenes. The anime molds the manga scenes differently, and though it has filler eps and lots and lots of pinkness and tones down sexual hints for a younger audience, it's great to see Shugo Chara alive on screen.

As the manga and anime series are both ongoing and the scanlations are a few volumes behind, and I've already burned through everything I could find, I next read some spoilers. It's not uncommon that I wish my Japanese is much better than it is, but to be faced with the newest possible ch filled with Amu x Ikuto is so, so exciting and cruel.

Van has competition as my favorite bishi...

For the lack of other interesting things to talk about, you get to learn about my knitting again.



Following sock pattern “7 stitches to the inch” from Getting Started Knitting Socks by Ann Budd, and doing the Thuja stitch pattern from Knitty.

CO 64 sts.
8 rows 1k1p rib
thuja pattern 35? rows for leg (8.5cm long).
foot thuja pattern for instep _ rows.

I started two days ago. Today's progress: A few more rows to finish the heel on the first sock. (1) Again, omitted the “knit _, turn, and p _ on one needle” instructions in Getting Started Knitting Socks. I didn’t see them in the first two socks, and this time because I don’t work with stitch markers and it’s easier to just keep track of rounds with the original cast-on yarn tail. (2) Definitely glad I picked Thuja pattern for this yarn and recipient–it’s turning out to be a gentlemanly sock.

I am itching to purchase items again--though I should probably lay off more yarn buying and the next sock book purchase until I finish my stash and the nice free patterns. (The other thing I want to buy is a larger Le Creuset, but seriously when am I going to make food for that many people and I barely cook real food anymore.)


Oh yeah, I'm looking up lots of journal articles for analysis of tocilizumab for the treatment of multicentric Castleman's disease, and also for our proposal to study abdominal radiation long term effects--but this is also under the list of not interesting things to talk about.

I suppose one of the good side effects from knitting is that it prevents me from playing ffxi very much.

SWAT Team Kitties

I'm so making these kittens when the pattern arrives by email.


Sock pair #2 is done:


And now on sock pair #3, my brother's birthday socks (yes, those are cat hair; yes, I need to vacuum):


I've been watching Monster while I knit--at least until the next episode of House is up.

New Yarns

Sock again

Second sock: half done!



I keep redoing the beginning of socks--I always screw up the first three rows. At least this Manos yarn take up a lot of abuse, and I'm getting lots of practice at doing the beginning over and over again. I ordered some Lorna's Laces Shepherd sock yarns tonight. Its colors are so pretty and well, it was on sale. My brother likes to say that my mom and I will buy anything with even a dollar off--untrue, but it does tempt me to buy now instead of later. I wonder if sales are similar to the psychology of free items.

Strangely, I find myself now engrossed in knitting. I'm embarrassed and disappointed about putting my fanfiction project on hold--but I only have so much time each day beyond work and daily living--and I'm still interested in finding a research project. Time to time each day I'll still get ideas about DS and play with words and sentence constructions and atmosphere in my mind, but these only serve to nag me. I'm becoming lazier.

Speaking of lazy, I really must erg again tomorrow.

Starting Again

The start of new socks in Manos del Uruguay silk blend, color #3109, that was in a previous post:

A pair!

They don't quite match and I totally messed the toes up, but still, first pair of socks and they feel wonderful! :D (Crystal Place Fjord, in rose petal--since these are ankle socks, it only took about 1-1/4 balls.)



Now I just have to step carefully to avoid slipping all the time...and of course, a second pair.

More!

Done!


And the beginnings of a sock:

Exercise Calendar

Today: 2 swim laps, 6 minutes erg, 2x8 45lb squats, 12 minutes erg


Bonus picture:

Robin Hood

The Story of Robin Hood and His Merrie Men was my favorite movie when I was little. In fact, my brother and I have rented this movie so much that upon hearing our move to the US, the video store uncle gave it to us as a parting gift. Of course, it was in English with Chinese subtitles--and it wasn't until today when I watched it again after 20 years that I realized how much I missed. Sentences like King Richard's "Well, Friar Tuck, it seems that I now have an outlaw for my in-law" just doesn't have the same translation.

Regardless, it still held the same joy. I always wanted my guys to propose to me at an archery tournament gone amok.

Yarn

The first scarf is finished. (Pictures to come when Nate available to model.) I still have some yarn from Joanne's, but also picked up a set of goodies and some premium yarn at the yarn shop.



I think the yarn would make a great My So Called Scarf. The directions are hard to understand because of my level, but thank goodness for YouTube.

Knitting 2

Unraveled and a few day's work later:

I think I'll run out of yarn soon because this scarf is way too wide. Next time I want to buy some nicer wool, too.

And then maybe socks :o

Knitting is Hard

My last experience with knitting was several afternoons with my grandma--after a few days and not much progress, my grandma offered to finish my scarf--and had to reknit those disfigured rows.

This swatch is the product of recent attempts. Even if I squint, it doesn't quite look like the book... I think I'll go back to stockinette stich.